Is it safe? This is the first question a newborn is asking upon entering the world and it is answered in milliseconds. The human brain is wired to search for trust. Trust followed by satisfaction breeds more trust. This is why immediately after delivery it is critical to have mother-baby bonding. Maternal oxytocin is released upon contact for creating trust and bonding. Even though a newborn may scream as if they are saying “bring it to me now”, they trust first for food and for holding. Trust in the brain creates maps of location and experience from a consistent track record. We have what are called mirror neurons that imitate the habits of others. This is how we develop empathy and emotional constancy. Kids adopt parents’ fears and internalize a version of them on their own.

Neurologists say we are all born looking for someone who is looking for us. This is when the gaze of a newborn meets the gaze of a mother. In this moment, two brains are changing each other. The basal ganglia is the part of the brain that helps people develop habits that become automatic. It plays a critical role in how people form habits, both bad and good, and in influencing mood and feelings. We will never fill this void with the neurological attraction of the blue glow lighting up when we open our phone to scroll on social media.

As a mom, you may know what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night and make it halfway down the hall to your child’s bedroom before your brain starts putting things together. It’s amazing what the mind can do before you even know the mind is doing anything. Just as you open the door, you see your little one crying and afraid. Like all kids in crisis, they must feel love before they can talk about it. No matter how big or little we are, as humans, we struggle with the gap between our heads and our hearts. Rationality by itself does not calm a fear in children or adults. It is possible to know something is completely true but feel the complete opposite.

Just as our bodies have immune systems to protect against physical threats, we can cultivate mental and emotional defenses against betrayal and misplaced trust. This is where the sympathetic nervous system comes in to protect us from neurological stressors.

CHANGE IS A GOOD THING!

You may think I am crazy but change in any way is good. We should question when there is no change. Sometimes it may seem worse than before but something must happen over time in order for growth and healing to occur.

Learning or experiencing something new is not easy but our brains are wired for adaptability. It is our habits and fear that keep our lives mundane and stuck in a rut.

Your pain is individual to you and your healing will take as long as it takes. I encourage you to not rush it. There is no way for us to predict how long or all that is involved. Trust the process!

Cloud, Henry. Trust: Knowing When to Give It, When to Withhold It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It When It Gets Broken, Chapter 20-21, 2023

Earley, Justin Whitmel. Habits of the Household: Practicing the Story of God In Everyday Family Rhythms., Chapter 1, 2021